Embracing Liberation: Why Not Experiencing Grief After Someone Abusive Dies Is Okay
Grief is often seen as an inevitable emotion when we lose someone close to us, whether through death or other forms of separation. It's considered a natural response, a tribute to the relationship shared and the impact that person had on our lives. However, what happens when the person we've lost caused us more harm than good? What if their presence in our lives was marked by pain, manipulation, or mistreatment? Is it okay not to feel grief then? How do we embrace our own emotions of liberation if other family members of loved ones expect us to proclaim our anguish or sorrow?
These questions lead us to a complex and often misunderstood aspect of human emotions: the absence of grief after the death of someone who caused harm. For many, the death of such a person can elicit a range of conflicting emotions—relief, confusion, guilt—but not necessarily grief. And that's perfectly okay. What’s even more necessary is we allow ourselves space to honor our emotions, regardless of what they may be.
Troubled relationships, whether familial, romantic, or otherwise, have the potential to leave deep scars on those involved. The dynamics of conflict, emotional turmoil, and sometimes even physical harm create a toxic environment that can endure long after the relationship ends. When such a person passes away, survivors might find themselves in a unique emotional space. One of the most common emotions survivors feel after the death of someone who caused harm is relief. The constant fear, anxiety, and trauma associated with that person's presence can suddenly dissipate and dissolve. It's as if a heavy weight has been lifted, allowing survivors to breathe freely for the first time in a long while. This relief is not callous or heartless; rather, it's a testament to the profound impact that the harm caused on our well-being. In addition to relief, many of us may experience a mix of conflicting emotions such as guilt, confusion, or even numbness. Society and cultural beliefs often expects grief to be a unifying emotion in the face of death, but when the deceased evoked primarily negative feelings, navigating these emotions becomes incredibly complex.
It's crucial for us to recognize and validate our own feelings, whatever they may be. Not feeling grief does not diminish the validity of our experiences or the trauma we endured. Each person processes trauma differently, and there is no one-size-fits-all response to the death of someone who caused harm.
Choosing not to actively participate in the grieving rituals or ceremonies of someone who caused harm can be an act of self-preservation. It signifies a boundary set by the (us) the individual to protect our [emotional] well-being. It's a declaration that our emotions matter, and our healing journey takes precedence over societal and familial expectations. For some of us, the death of someone who caused harm can offer a sense of meaning as well. It marks the end of a tumultuous chapter in our lives, allowing us to focus on healing and moving forward from the hurt.
In the realm of grief and loss, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Each person's emotional journey is unique, shaped by our experiences and relationships. For many of us who’ve experienced abuse in troubled relationships, not feeling grief after the death of someone who caused harm is a valid and understandable response. It's a testament to our resilience and strength in overcoming adversity. Ultimately, embracing our emotions authentically, whether they align with societal expectations or not, is an essential part of the healing process. It's okay not to grieve the loss of someone who caused harm—it's a testament to the our courage to reclaim their life and their right to emotional freedom.
Navigating the aftermath of a troubled relationship, including the death of the person who caused harm, can be isolating. It's essential for us to seek support from understanding friends, family members, or professional therapists who are culturally informed to provide empathy and validation without judgment. I look forward to supporting you on your healing journey.
Kiana Naimi is a licensed clinical social worker providing virtual therapy services in California. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma and grief informed practices to best ensure healing, and overall well-being of her clients.
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