How Grief Therapy Helps When You’re Struggling With ‘What Ifs’ and ‘Should Haves’
Grief is never simple, but when loss is accompanied by regret, doubt, and second-guessing, it can feel even more overwhelming. Many people who experience loss find themselves caught in an exhausting cycle of What if? and I should have…—thoughts that replay in their minds like an endless loop, making it difficult to move forward.
Whether you lost a loved one unexpectedly, had unresolved conflicts before their passing, or feel like you didn’t do enough, these thoughts can be one of the most painful parts of grief. They can stir up guilt, shame, and a sense of unfinished business that keeps grief feeling raw and unresolved.
This is where grief therapy in Los Angeles can make a profound difference. Therapy helps you process these thoughts in a way that allows for reflection without becoming trapped in self-blame. It offers space to explore your emotions, find self-compassion, and shift your perspective so that you can move forward without carrying the weight of regret indefinitely.
Why ‘What Ifs’ and ‘Should Haves’ Are So Common in Grief
When we lose someone, especially if the loss is sudden or complicated, the mind naturally tries to make sense of what happened. One way it does this is by replaying the past and imagining how things could have been different.
Common thoughts include:
What if I had called them that day?
What if I had pushed them to get medical help sooner?
I should have been there more.
I should have said I love you more often.
What if I had tried harder to fix our relationship?
These thoughts stem from a desire for control. The unpredictability of loss is hard to accept, so our minds try to rewrite the past in ways that give us a sense of agency—even if that means blaming ourselves. However, this pattern can be deeply distressing.
Instead of allowing us to remember our loved ones with love and gratitude, it keeps us locked in a space of regret and self-judgment. Grief therapy provides structured guidance in working through these thoughts so that they don’t take over your grieving process.
How Grief Therapy Helps Process Regret and Self-Blame
Therapy doesn’t erase painful emotions, but it helps you understand and work through them in a healthy way. When it comes to the weight of What ifs and Should haves, a grief therapist can help in the following ways:
1. Understanding the Root of Regret
One of the first steps in therapy is exploring where these thoughts come from. Often, they are not just about the specific event or loss but about deeper fears, beliefs, or unresolved emotions.
A therapist may ask:
Do you often hold yourself to high or unrealistic standards?
Is there a pattern of self-blame in other areas of your life?
Were you responsible for things that were truly beyond your control?
By understanding these patterns, you can begin to untangle which regrets are based on reality and which are shaped by self-judgment or unrealistic expectations.
2. Challenging Unhelpful Thought Patterns
Grief therapy incorporates cognitive techniques to help shift unhelpful thinking patterns. Many people struggling with What ifs and Should haves experience distorted thinking, such as:
Personalization: Taking responsibility for something that was not entirely in your control. (If only I had done X, they would still be here.)
Hindsight bias: Believing that you should have known something that was impossible to predict. (Now that I see what happened, I should have prevented it.)
All-or-nothing thinking: Viewing situations as entirely your fault rather than considering the many factors involved. (I failed them because I didn’t do everything perfectly.)
A therapist helps you challenge and reframe these thoughts so that you can acknowledge loss and regret without carrying an unfair burden of guilt.
3. Finding Self-Compassion
One of the most powerful aspects of grief therapy is learning self-compassion. Grief can be incredibly harsh—we often judge ourselves in ways we would never judge others.
A therapist helps you:
Recognize that you made the best decisions you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time.
See yourself with the same kindness and forgiveness you would offer a friend in a similar situation.
Shift from self-criticism to self-acceptance, allowing room for both sadness and grace.
Processing regret does not mean dismissing your feelings—it means making space for understanding and forgiveness rather than being consumed by self-blame.
4. Addressing Unfinished Emotional Business
Many What ifs and Should haves come from a place of unfinished emotional business—things left unsaid, unresolved conflicts, or a sense of incompleteness in your relationship with the person who passed.
Therapy provides structured ways to process these feelings, including:
Letter writing: Expressing unspoken thoughts and emotions in a letter to your loved one.
Guided visualization: Imagining a conversation with them to find closure.
Rituals of remembrance: Creating ways to honor their memory and express what you didn’t get to say.
These techniques don’t erase grief, but they provide a sense of connection and completion, allowing you to move forward without feeling emotionally stuck.
5. Accepting the Uncertainty of Life and Loss
At the heart of What ifs and Should haves is a deep discomfort with uncertainty. We wish we could rewrite the past, but loss reminds us that life is unpredictable, and we are not always in control.
Therapy helps you:
Make peace with the unknown. Not every question has an answer, and not every regret has a resolution—but that doesn’t mean you can’t find meaning moving forward.
Recognize that love and loss coexist. The depth of your regret is often a reflection of the depth of your love. Therapy helps you shift the focus from guilt to gratitude for the relationship you shared.
Develop resilience in the face of uncertainty. Loss will always be part of life, but learning to sit with discomfort, rather than being consumed by it, is part of processing grief in a meaningful way.
You Don’t Have to Navigate ‘What Ifs’ Alone
If you are struggling with What ifs and Should haves, know that you are not alone, and you are not failing in your grief. These thoughts are a natural part of loss, but they don’t have to control your life. Grief therapy provides the space, guidance, and support to process these emotions in a way that is compassionate and constructive.
It helps you honor your loved one without being trapped in regret, and it allows you to move forward in a way that feels authentic and meaningful. Your grief deserves space. Your feelings deserve validation. And most importantly, you deserve kindness—from others and from yourself.
Releasing Guilt and Moving Forward with Grief Therapy in Sherman Oaks & Across Los Angeles
Loss can bring overwhelming emotions, leaving you questioning every decision and replaying moments you wish had gone differently. The weight of regret, guilt, and unanswered questions can make it feel impossible to move forward. Grief therapy in Sherman Oaks & throughout Los Angeles provides a compassionate space to process these emotions and begin to find relief. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning how to live with your grief in a way that honors your experience without being consumed by it.
As an online grief therapist, I help individuals struggling with feelings of self-blame, doubt, and uncertainty after loss. Therapy, including EMDR and other grief-focused approaches, can support you in breaking free from intrusive thoughts, working through unresolved emotions, and finding a sense of peace. This isn’t about forcing closure, it’s about creating space for self-compassion and healing at your own pace.
Learn More About Me and My Services
There is no “right” way to grieve, and you don’t have to navigate this alone. When you’re ready, support is here.
Other Therapy Services Offered by Kiana Naimi
Beyond grief counseling, I provide a range of therapeutic services for individuals in Los Angeles and throughout California. Grief is just one part of the emotional experience, and healing often requires addressing different layers of mental well-being. That’s why I take a holistic approach, providing trauma therapy and therapy intensives designed to facilitate deeper healing and growth. My practice integrates various therapeutic modalities, including Narrative Therapy, Attachment-Based Grief, Trauma-Focused CBT, Somatic Embodiment & Regulation Strategies, and Internal Family Systems (IFS).If you're looking for a supportive space to explore your healing journey, I’m here to help.